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Posts Tagged ‘magic’

I’ve had to step away from my training.

It’s a complicated thing, but I’ve talked before about some of the mental health issues I have, and they’re just not cooperating with the level of energy that comes with (and is required for) coven work. I’m perfectly happy and really enjoy the Work, and I love being in circle, but the backlash the next day is, well, awful. And a little scary. It’s not an all the time thing, but after our (wonderful, high energy) celebration of Beltane this weekend, I had two of the worst days I’ve had in a long time.

Maybe it’s that my meds aren’t working (this is highly possible, from other cues in my life), maybe I just can’t handle the energy levels raised in a close knit circle.

Maybe I’m just not cut out for this priestess thing, no matter how much I may want it.

Self-limitation sucks, especially when it is because of things you wish would just go away.

I know that paganism and mental illness are not mutually exclusive, but they’re butting heads right now, and it sucks. I know this is the right decision, that I can still worship my Gods and do my magic on my own, and that I’m still allowed to be close to my circle mates. But it will be different, and it’s not what I want or what I’ve spent the last 18+ months working towards.

I’ve talked with my HPS, and she agrees strongly that this isn’t something I should push to continue if it’s going to make me sick. I trust her advice, and it’s somewhat comforting to know that this kind of mental backlash isn’t normal. It’s not a grounding issue either, or one of focus – by all accounts I’m fine when I’m working and have good energy flow and am grounding properly, it’s just… too much for my brain I guess.

Still, I’m conflicted by having to step away (at least for now, I keep telling myself) from something I really want to do and be. Even knowing its the right and healthy choice doesn’t make it fun.

I’m the River Daughter, and I’m a witch… and I happen to also have mixed bipolar and an anxiety disorder.

Somehow, I’ve got to find a way to make that work.

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Short version: I start my new job in about a week!

Long version: After doing some opportunity-drawing magic, I found a job opening at a friend’s company and jumped on it. Several interviews and quite a lot of magic later, I was offered the position. I did most of the work for the interviews, as preparation to help present the best side of myself, as well as a good bit of visualizing myself in their office, working at the desk they had open, with a business card with my new title on it.

Probably the most work I’ve done with a single focus in a long time – I usually do most of my workings on the fly, as I need them. This took a good bit of preparation and the like. While it was effective, I’m not sure it’s my favorite way to do the magic – I like things a little simpler than that!

 

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All my life, it seems, I’ve had a weird kind of connection to wrens.

They lived in my yard as a kid, and slept in the wreath my mom kept on the back porch. In college, there was a wren’s nest in the courtyard of my apartment complex. Once I got married, they slept in the wreath on the front door of our apartment, and would come and drink from the saucers under the potted plants on the porch. And now, in our house, they’ve been hanging out all around the place, even raising a clutch of babies in the wreath by the front door last spring.

Wren, from the Druid Animal Oracle

Four places in a row that I’ve had wrens as active parts of my yard and local experience – and at least two of them from before I had any inkling of Paganism in my life. (I didn’t know that there was such a thing AS Paganism until I got to college, though I did some admittedly Pagan things growing up.)

Right now the wrens are back to sleeping in the front porch wreath – a perfect place to sleep in any weather except a direct east wind, which we so rarely get that they’re happy to snuggle up there, where it’s warm, protected from the wind, and free of cats. It’s also a good place to dive-bomb anyone who goes door to door in my neighborhood…

The ones in my yard here are Carolina Wrens, who chirp mightily at the cats and sing their “teakettle!teakettle!teakettle!” song from the top of my woodpile. They also like eating bugs in my herb garden. They look just like the wren in the card image above and are quite adorable with their little round bodies, bopping around the patio with their tails straight up.

A little bit of Google-Fu turns up a lot of information about Druidic/Celtic belief in wrens as symbols of musical poetry, art, and song – which makes sense for all their singing. They’re also seen as messengers of the Gods, particularly the god of Thunder and Lightning (Taranis) and is often seen with the Oak tree.

What that means for me specifically, I’m not sure yet. I think it’s well past time that I actually asked the wrens why they’re here and if they have a message for me.

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I’ve tried recently to be more open about some of the things I struggle with alongside learning the Witchy stuff, talking about them with my HPS/HP – especially now that I’ve apprenticed with their coven – and generally not trying to hide the stuff that’s going on. Mostly it’s major mental health struggles, for which I am in a lot of therapy, taking a handful of medications, and doing magic to help manage (some things never go away, but they can be managed and made livable).

But when things get really sticky, as they have the last few days thanks to a major fuckup with the doctor’s office, it’s hard to follow through with plans for magic and witchcraft.

Tonight is the full Hunter’s moon, and I had planned to do a ritual in celebration and do some magic to help with my current job struggles. Instead, I’m going to content myself with tea in moonlight and focusing on being present to experience the magic that is *this moment* – my brain can’t handle anything more right now. Leaning on my meditation practice doesn’t feel as witchy as a full moon ritual, but I have to keep reminding myself it’s only wise to do what I can do, and not try to do more. *

Sometimes it makes me wonder if I’m cut out to be a “real” witch, because I can’t control my own mind, and the crazy!brain takes over instead of the part of me that I’m familiar with and I can work with.

(Then I wonder what a “real” witch is, if not someone who is self aware enough to recognize and not do magic when shit gets bad?)

*While what I struggle with doesn’t hold a candle to Lupus, the Spoon Theory is a good one for those unfamiliar with the idea of ever-changing amounts of mental currency. Link is a PDF.

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