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Posts Tagged ‘learning’

As I prepare for the Solstice, I’m finding myself really missing the idea of being a student of a tradition. In a way, it’s a mourning as much as a growing process, and while I understand (and really came to a mutual agreement about) why this wasn’t going to work right now, it’s still hard. Especially knowing that my fellow students are probably going to be initiated soon – though I am very happy for them.

I had my former teacher do a reading for me, in the vein of where I should go from here, and (not surprisingly) any path is going to be difficult, but come with its own rewards. I’ve considered looking at a local ADF grove, just to be a public member, but I’m not sure I could go back to just being part of a laity instead of a student. And I really don’t have the mental energy to be a student right now, especially with the sheer amount of homework that comes with the dedicant path in ADF.

I did a reading for myself as well, and after a long break (while I was studying with the coven), my old friend the Three of Wands came back. While I’ve always seen this as my seeking card, due to the way the main figure is so intently watching the ships on the horizon, I find it has rather a different feeling than it used to. (Oh Tarot, how versatile you can be…)

This time I’m seeing myself watching the ships, the things I see as possible futures, once I get my mental state in order, but there in the foreground are three trees to tend. Things that I can and should tend on my own. While this isn’t a typical reading for the Three of Wands, which usually reflects seeking for something new and leaving the old behind, for some reason I keep going back to his three trees, and the idea of focusing on what I can do here, and now, and on my own.

And really, returning to a solitary path IS something new and challenging, so I guess that part of the card applies as well.

Even if I know the solitary path is hard, and filled with the traps of inaction and succumbing to busyness rather than making time for practice, I see myself going in that direction for the time being. My husband agrees, and thinks a time of inner work and introspection will be positive and help me grow – and grow more stable.

It’s still hard to give up my identity as a student (something I was for nearly two years), but I think it’ll be for the best. I learned a ton in that time, and I’m a better witch for it, but I think I can grow as a solitary witch as well.

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I signed up for pre-registration for the tarot class that Rowan Pendragon is offering over at One Witch’s Way. I’m hoping I can get enough freelance work between now and then to cover the fees for the class.

To brush up before then (the class won’t start until the end of September), I’m skimming through the lessons over at LearnTarot.com. I always like going back through to see how my own interpretations of cards change – and also to look up specific cards there when something is making me go “huh?” in a reading. They’ve got a pretty comprehensive list of card meanings and card synchronicity there that has helped me out more than once.

As for the follow up on the “This Card Keeps Coming Up” spread, I’m puzzling over the cards I’ve drawn. Among other things, the 3 of Wands showed up in the one pile I least expected it to be in, and then when I did my usual 5 card spread… every single card in it was reversed.

Which, I guess, means that the deck/my unconscious/whatever really IS trying to tell me something. I’m still not sure exactly what that means, but right now I’m going to take the plethora of reversed cards as saying that the situation is stifled, blocked, or slowed down right now, especially in relationship to the 3 of Wands (which is very much a “looking to the future” kind of card).

I have a very loose understanding of reversals – sometimes I’ll use a card that’s upright in it’s reversed meaning and vice versa. Sometimes I just see the reversed cards as indicating a delay, a blockage, or some unconscious influence on the situation. And sometimes – like now – if ALL the cards (or most of them) show up reversed, I take that to mean that the deck is trying to get my attention. A “clue by four”, if you will.

I’m pretty sure this will be one of those readings that doesn’t immediately make sense either. (I’m not going to post it here, at least not yet, until I figure out a bit more about it)

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I think too much. Always have. Kind of wondering if I always will.

Everyone stresses meditation, how important it is, how crucial it is to Wicca and Paganism. They don’t tell you it can take years before you get anywhere, and even then you still might be kind of bad at it.

It’s not even that I get distracted.

I’m pretty good at saying “shut up, brain” and not dwelling on other thoughts. I’ve done enough yoga to be good at breath-focus (and I actually do better meditating when I’m doing yoga instead of just sitting). Problem is, during “sitting meditation,” I’m actively thinking about not dwelling on other thoughts. I can only manage true “silence” for 5-10 seconds at a time before I think “Hey, I’m not thinking about anything,” which is actually a thought about something, and by then I’ve ruined the whole mess.

Still, I get a lot out of meditating, and I feel better (mentally and physically) when I can take 10 minutes a few times a day to shut down and turn inward.

I just kind of suck at it.

(Visualization is somewhat easier. I can focus on one thing pretty easily. I just can’t focus on nothing.)

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Quick Note: Thank you to those who left comments! I’m sorry I didn’t approve them sooner – for some reason I’m not getting the emails about new comments properly. I’ll look into it, and for now, welcome and hello!

This Year and a Day is going to be more like “366 meditations”.

I’m pretty sure there’s no way I’m going to be done in 366 days. There’s always the issue of vacations and trips that make spiritual practice difficult. Plus, right now I’m limited on weekends, due to both lots to do (I have a large yard, and our house is a ‘fixer-upper’ in the classic sense of the word) and my wanting to keep things very private. I don’t mind doing meditations and journaling, but going out and doing spellwork while the husband unit is around makes me jumpy.

Which is conflicting a bit. I don’t like not telling him things, but I also don’t know how he’ll respond. (I also don’t like sharing secrets. “Two may keep a secret, if one of them is dead” and all that.)

Either way, the beginnings of this book include some musings on what fears you might have approaching Wicca, and what your religious past is. Oddly, I’ve been looking into this enough that my biggest fears are those of isolation and rejection. I’m afraid of never being able to talk about this with anyone in “real life”, and I’m afraid of my family finding out and turning their back on me.

I don’t do well when I disappoint people. I especially don’t do well when I disappoint my parents (and right now, as someone who’s been unemployed for over a year, I’m pretty much a walking disappointment, judging by our recent conversations).

And my parents are deeply, utterly, wholeheartedly, unquestioningly Christian. As are my grandparents (my grandfather is an ordained minister). And my brother and sister in law. And all my aunts and uncles – except my one uncle, but he’s always been the “rebellious” child and a self-centered prick. And that doesn’t even get into my deeply traditional South Texas in-laws.

So I fear rejection. That I will have to reject myself and stay secret – or that I will be rejected by my family.

We’ll see what comes of all this.

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