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Posts Tagged ‘dedicant path’

Holidays are hard as a solitary when you’d rather be working with a group.

Especially when you’d rather be working with a specific group, that is still working together, just not with you in it. I know why I’m not there, and I agree that it wasn’t helping my mental state. Still, there is part of my (very human) subconscious that says “you got sick and they threw you out”. That part of me may be 4 years old, but she can be loud. My rational self knows better, and knows that’s not what happened, but the feelings are still very real regardless. It’s just hard to let go of something you love doing.

I’ve tried to work as a solitary for the last 6 months, and I’m finding it really hard as well. With no community or feedback, the holidays and full moons have just become little semi-religious holidays that I throw something together for instead of feeling truly connected to the wheel. When I’ve done the full ritual, it’s felt empty and hollow, which didn’t endear me to trying to do the full ritual a lot. It was a little exciting, in a way, when I first started back to doing this on my own, but that faded pretty fast. I guess I’m just not good at going it alone anymore.

A bit ago, I started looking into ADF, since there is a local grove here, and I thought maybe I could plug in there to something neo-Pagan and get the community I’m obviously looking for. I’ve not had the guts to go to any of their major rituals, but I’ve been corresponding with several, and I started to work on the Dedicant Path as well.

It’s… I’m not really sure what I think. The history and study required really appeals to me, so I’m not put off by doing that – in fact, regardless of what I end up doing long term, I probably won’t regret a solid foundation in comparative mythology. But I can’t shake the feeling that there is a ton of depth here that I just can’t get my brain around yet. I’ve done several ADF style rituals, and they’re very well put together, if VERY different from Wicca, but the connection just isn’t there. So maybe it’s just a familiarity thing, I don’t know. (I can’t say the connection is really there with my Wicca-style rituals right now either, so maybe it’s just me.)

I also can’t shake the feeling that I’m a Witch, not a Druid. I’ll admit that may be because I’ve thought of myself as a Witch for years, but it still nags at the back of my brain.

Or maybe I’ll be a Witch AND a Druid, but I know better than to try to learn two systems at the same time.

I’m trying to decide how to start off this new year. Samhain always feels like a good time to put aside the old and start over. I’ve done a few readings (using the Ogam, since I’m trying to learn that system) and I keep getting Muin and Ifin/Phagos.

  • Muin is the ogam of communication and introspection, with connotations both of finding your voice and understanding emotions as well as letting go of the things that you no longer need and gathering in what is dearest to you.
  • Ifin/Phagos is the ogam of Ancestral knowledge and clear thinking, of drawing on the collective wisdom of those who came before you. Use the knowledge of the Ancestors to help clear your own mind.

Which is somewhat auspicious for this time of year, given how thin the veils are and how close this holiday is to the Ancestors. I feel like I don’t have a clear path forward though, which I guess is the meaning of the reading – Use the knowledge of the ancestors to help clear your thinking. Maybe I’ll focus on that in whatever ritual I end up doing today.

I definitely want to start something new, to start working towards a goal again. Maybe that will just be finishing the Dedicant Path and seeing where I feel in a year. I know I don’t have to leave behind what I’ve learned (and, in fact, all I’ve learned should be helping to propel me forward), but I miss working with the intent of getting somewhere. Whether it was to figure out this paganism thing, to find a teacher, to cement my relationship with the gods, or to be ready to ask for initiation, I’ve always had something that I was working towards. The Dedicant Path seems to fit that goal pretty well, and it’s a varied and rich study program that seems like it would be valuable to anyone of any neo-Pagan persuasion.

And maybe I just need to realign my brain with my reality, to know that even though the meds and therapy have made a massive difference, I will never not be bipolar, and bipolar and Trad Wicca just didn’t seem to get on well together. Maybe that’s what I need to leave behind as this year ends, and allow myself to fully experience something new as next year begins. There’s no harm in trying something for a year, right?

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