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Posts Tagged ‘circle’

I’ve had to step away from my training.

It’s a complicated thing, but I’ve talked before about some of the mental health issues I have, and they’re just not cooperating with the level of energy that comes with (and is required for) coven work. I’m perfectly happy and really enjoy the Work, and I love being in circle, but the backlash the next day is, well, awful. And a little scary. It’s not an all the time thing, but after our (wonderful, high energy) celebration of Beltane this weekend, I had two of the worst days I’ve had in a long time.

Maybe it’s that my meds aren’t working (this is highly possible, from other cues in my life), maybe I just can’t handle the energy levels raised in a close knit circle.

Maybe I’m just not cut out for this priestess thing, no matter how much I may want it.

Self-limitation sucks, especially when it is because of things you wish would just go away.

I know that paganism and mental illness are not mutually exclusive, but they’re butting heads right now, and it sucks. I know this is the right decision, that I can still worship my Gods and do my magic on my own, and that I’m still allowed to be close to my circle mates. But it will be different, and it’s not what I want or what I’ve spent the last 18+ months working towards.

I’ve talked with my HPS, and she agrees strongly that this isn’t something I should push to continue if it’s going to make me sick. I trust her advice, and it’s somewhat comforting to know that this kind of mental backlash isn’t normal. It’s not a grounding issue either, or one of focus – by all accounts I’m fine when I’m working and have good energy flow and am grounding properly, it’s just… too much for my brain I guess.

Still, I’m conflicted by having to step away (at least for now, I keep telling myself) from something I really want to do and be. Even knowing its the right and healthy choice doesn’t make it fun.

I’m the River Daughter, and I’m a witch… and I happen to also have mixed bipolar and an anxiety disorder.

Somehow, I’ve got to find a way to make that work.

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