I’ve had to step away from my training.
It’s a complicated thing, but I’ve talked before about some of the mental health issues I have, and they’re just not cooperating with the level of energy that comes with (and is required for) coven work. I’m perfectly happy and really enjoy the Work, and I love being in circle, but the backlash the next day is, well, awful. And a little scary. It’s not an all the time thing, but after our (wonderful, high energy) celebration of Beltane this weekend, I had two of the worst days I’ve had in a long time.
Maybe it’s that my meds aren’t working (this is highly possible, from other cues in my life), maybe I just can’t handle the energy levels raised in a close knit circle.
Maybe I’m just not cut out for this priestess thing, no matter how much I may want it.
Self-limitation sucks, especially when it is because of things you wish would just go away.
I know that paganism and mental illness are not mutually exclusive, but they’re butting heads right now, and it sucks. I know this is the right decision, that I can still worship my Gods and do my magic on my own, and that I’m still allowed to be close to my circle mates. But it will be different, and it’s not what I want or what I’ve spent the last 18+ months working towards.
I’ve talked with my HPS, and she agrees strongly that this isn’t something I should push to continue if it’s going to make me sick. I trust her advice, and it’s somewhat comforting to know that this kind of mental backlash isn’t normal. It’s not a grounding issue either, or one of focus – by all accounts I’m fine when I’m working and have good energy flow and am grounding properly, it’s just… too much for my brain I guess.
Still, I’m conflicted by having to step away (at least for now, I keep telling myself) from something I really want to do and be. Even knowing its the right and healthy choice doesn’t make it fun.
I’m the River Daughter, and I’m a witch… and I happen to also have mixed bipolar and an anxiety disorder.
Somehow, I’ve got to find a way to make that work.
My best friend, Arienwen, is bi-polar and ADHD. She’s had issues with ritual and all of that, although I couldn’t say if her experiences were the same. The next time she comes online, I’m going to ask her to read your post and comment with something. Maybe in finding another pagan out there with a similar disposition, things would be easier? If nothing else, I’m here to let you know that you’re not alone.
Self-limitation is something that is familiar to pretty much every bipolar person I know (myself included), and it is extremely frustrating to feel like you are capable of just about anything, but can’t quite make it work out right. I feel for you there, but I do hope you take care of yourself. π
Hey, I’m Aubs Tea’s friend that she mentioned. As she said in her comment I am the lovely mixed bag of ADHD and Bipolar. For a very long time I was undiagnosed, and in that time was when I started my training. Now, I am on a different path than you are (I’m not as motivated to be a Priestess…call it lazyness if you will…), but I do know what it is like to work in a circle and deal with the crash that comes afterwards. It is disconcerting to say the least. I don’t know if what worked for me will work for you…but I’m gonna put my two cents in just in case.
Now that I am on meds I do find it harder to work up the frenzy of energy that I used to, but that is okay. I find that with slightly less than PUMPED UP ENERGY WHOOO(!!!) helps alleviate the crash afterwards. I liken it to like coming down from a sugar high. The more sugar you eat, the worse the crash. I’m not saying don’t work up the energy at all, but moderate it. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Especally for people like us.
My best advice is to not give up on your goal or aspirations. It might take a little bit longer because of the highs and lows dipping and rising and just generally making life that much harder, but in the end it is worth it. Slow but steady does indeed win the race, even in this type of situation.
I hope that at least some of this helped. I’m sending you good thoughts and well wishes. If ever you wanted to expand this conversation my blog is http://arienwen.wordpress.com/. I’m not on as much as I should be, but I do check it every once in a while.
>>Arianwen – thanks so much for the advice and encouragement. I’m really wondering if I’m just not yet on the right balance with meds (only been about 8 months since diagnosis). I don’t plan to give up, but I also don’t really know what to do next, so I’m hoping the advice of others and my HPS will help. π I’ll post more as things unfold, hopefully.
It took me a while to get comfortable with my meds. And also keep in mind (not to stress you out any) that periodically you’ll have to change up your me3ds. I’ve been on the Lamictal for a few years now, but my adders have changed a few times. Finally I’m on the combo of Lamictal and Lithium which seems to be working rather well. Also, (and I’m sure you already know this, I just like to reiterate after some bad experiences I had) make sure your doctor listens to you. Push and yell and scream and make a general fuss if they aren’t. After all, it’s YOUR body, and YOU know what is working or not. π
Blessed be your journey.